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Ain’t That Some Shit

You think can just entirely get rid of something about yourself?” I recently heard a someone say, “No. Whoever told you that is a liar!

Well no,” I’d replied, “I just keep thinking that if I work hard enough it will like… go into remission or something.

Ha.

I guess it kind of works like that, and doesn’t. Our things, hang-ups, issues, kleshas, struggles, or whatever label you’d like to slap on them, don’t really exactly so much go all the way away, they just show up in new ways . . .

Yeah. FUCK.

Translation: your shit is your shit is your shit.

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CLARITY

Clear. Clearer. Clearest.

To get what you want, what you really want, you have got to get clear with yourself and the universe.

Be specific, to the detail, as line item detailed as is possible for you.

And, think BIG. Ask for the thing that seems out of reach right now. Ask for the thing you want but think you don’t deserve. Ask for the thing that belongs to you. It’s already yours.

Pause. One of two things are probably happening now. Continue reading

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WHY

Mid January. Two weeks into the New Year. Somewhere between establishing new habits and abandoning them completely.

Yes?

Yes.

Here’s what keeps coming up for me:

Start with the end in mind.

Everywhere I look. Everywhere I turn. Everything I read. Every time I create a marketing piece for the studio, program a workshop or training, or set quarterly goals. Some variation of setting an intention and creating action around that energy. I hear my teachers sharing it. I see it on other blogs, and posts, and in curriculum, and in the books on my nightstand begging me to finish them.

Start.With the END.In Mind.

And, I’ve been trying this out on a daily basis, instead of just big picture, zoom out a year from now, what am I inviting into my life kind of work. I’ve been applying to my daily interactions, habits, actions, and thoughts. And, I’ve been writing it down using my Best Self planner, which was a suggestion from my teacher.

This planner works differently than most. It’s not about listing shit to do, or prioritizing the shit, or labeling and categorizing the shit. Or tasking the shit out of the shit.

It’s not about the shit itself, it’s about identifying WHY you want to do the shit in the first place, and then choosing your actions based on that.

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TAKE A LOOK AROUND

I’m sitting on my couch late at night on a Friday reflecting on this year, its lessons, its pain, its growth, and looking for the light parts. Looking hard.

I’m here in maternity sweatpants with a sweater stretched over my bouncing and expanding belly, wearing a messy bun and practically no make-up despite having gone to a movie with my family earlier this evening, and staring at half polished toes I can’t reach.

It feels a lil’ bit different than last year same time. Tad. But then again, all of 2016 felt different. And not really me at my fullest expression for a good chunk of it. It felt a little… out of body, like, literally.  

When I look at the things that make me go, the things that make me a powerful me, I don’t see many of them hidden in the remains of this year. Continue reading

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GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Before this fuck-up of a year is over, I wanna talk about the “E” word You know, the E word. The one that gets you hurt, in trouble, puts your foot in your mouth, the stick up your ass, and your cart in front of your horse.

THE, E word.

Expectations. No, not the great ones…

I want to talk about this so we can all get clear together about the not so small truth that expectations are getting in the way of progress, and happiness, and well, life, really. Not just mine, not just yours, ours. All of ours, and often.

You see, when we expect we create a storyline in our head that must be carried out in order to feel good.

When we expect an event to go a certain way and it does we are mostly satisfied and feel right or successful. When it doesn’t, we can feel a sense of failure, of loss, of disappointment, of dissatisfaction.

Sometimes we even pout about it. For reals. Even us adults. It just looks a lot more like passive aggressive snark than it does foot stomping and bottom lip quivering, usually. Continue reading

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MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS: EPISODE THREE

So, my calendar told me it’s December. And you know what people do in December? They write Holiday letters to people to tell them about all the things they did that year that they already shared on social media. And then they pay to mail the cards to people, with a sweet family photo, like this one:

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Doesn’t my hair look great? I mean, uh, aren’t we the cutest?

Barf.

But you know, it’s not my style to give you the curated version of our lives, because: 1) nobody likes a fibber, b) people need more authenticity in their newsfeeds and their lives and iii) our day to day is much, much more entertaining than any story I could actually make up.

So, without shame or restraint, I offer:

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS: EPISODE THREE.

Dear Friends, Family, and People That Don’t Fit In Either Category; Continue reading

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STORIES

The holidays come with a lot of stories each year.

No, not Santa stories. Not Hanukkah stories. Not even family blooper stories, although all of those do get shared as well.

Instead, it’s the stories I tell myself — I’m not giving my kids enough. I’m giving the kids too much. I don’t give the kids enough consequences. I give them too many consequences. If my kids love their stepmother, it means they love me less, and that I am insufficient and inadequate. If they miss their dad, it means I’m not doing my job well enough. I can’t fully forgive him for the hurt he caused me because he doesn’t forgive me either. He doesn’t deserve to be happy, but I do.

I’m not doing enough, there is more for me to do here, and there, and there, and also there. I am only of value if I am doing something. Nothing I do is ever enough to be excellent.  

I’m too different for the rest of my family to like me. They just don’t get me, and they don’t want to. I’ll never be the kind of normal required to be loved fully by my parents.

Yes. Those stories. Those scripts. Those tapes. Those records.

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ALL THE WAY (IN)

My God I’ve been itching to write. But that whole time thing, it’s been placing some additional obstacles in my way to a screen and a keyboard free of tasks lately.

Maybe because, as is mostly usual for me, I have a lot going on at the same time. Maybe even more than usual, if that’s possible. I bought a business, I’m managing multiple clients for my freelance work, I have a mostly finished book on my short list, another a barely started book just chilling in outline format, I’m teaching three college courses this semester, we have two kids playing two different sports on four different days plus one in a club and both in a “free” school that asks for an unreasonable amount of time and money from its parents, and also, I’m still growing that baby in my body and stuff.

Sometimes I even get to hang out with my husband when we’re both still awake. Weird I haven’t had time to write. Or practice. Or see my friends. Or unclench.my.fucking.jaw.

Here’s an interesting trade-off though, that I feel is worth sharing. While I haven’t been able to write for myself for awhile, my yoga practice is all kinds of off between this belly getting in the way and my time being massively constricted, and I stopped running in my first trimester, I still feel grounded and connected to myself. Continue reading

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GET YOURS


So my birthday is today and I’m now a number that is bigger than the number I was yesterday. Also, I am part of the TEDxSacramento Core team. Also, we have an event today, on my birthday. Also, also, that means I will be at TEDxSacramento, as a part of the core team, on my birthday for the birthday that is for a number that is bigger than the one I was yesterday.

Squeal!

Guess what else? Since last year when I was in New York City having the best.day.ever with my then-boyfriend-now-husband, we’ve done some epic shit. We got married, for that one thing, did a bunch of yoga shit, took some trips, started some projects, moved, and created some cool experiences for the kids. I earned clients and work that align with who I am as a human being and what I’m up to, started growing a baby that’s due this coming winter, oh, and in a little under a month we’ll be announcing our new yoga home, one that is partly . . . OURS.

No big deal. Continue reading

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ASK

It’s been quiet on this front. I know.

This time, it’s not because I was in a dark spot. It’s not because I was so tired and sick. Or so overwhelmed. Or so confused. I was all of those things, for a little bit, again, but that isn’t why I’ve been silent so many days.  

2015 was such a big year for me. Actually, 2013-2015 were HUGE. Epically, life altering, never-gonna-be-the-same kind of years. So much YES, so much change, so much love, so much joy, so much trial, so much failure, so many restarts. After that kind of action, it makes sense that a cycle of stillness and settling would follow.

It was like the part of meditation where your brain is finally quiet enough that you can stop and look around and see what’s floating around in there with you. When the noise is off, when the dust has settled, when the pause comes, then you can step back and examine the picture you’ve been so busily crafting. Continue reading