Remember those things you were “never” going to do? They are on the reverse side of the list of things you were “always” going to do. Not familiar with them? You might have either a) forgotten about them since they written on real paper as opposed to the back of receipt or your child’s math homework, or b) erased them from memory after reality showed up with a heavy dose of sarcastic karmic laughter.

In my experience most of these humble pie fests involve statements or speech. And by speech, I mean things that came out of my mouth that surprised even me when uttered. I like to keep everyone on their toes, me included apparently.

On that note, it’s sharing time. Here for your mockery, relief, and shared enjoyment are my top ten (to date) statements that I was certain as a mother I would “never, ever” declare, exclaim, express or otherwise articulate, until I um, did:

“Ten second rule!”

It’s like the three-second rule, only about seven seconds longer. What? My floor is clean. . . ish.

“No, we are not late. We are tardy, that is not the same thing.”

I swear I lost the ability to be on time with the birth of my second child. Seriously. It’s ridiculous. I am, however, doing a stellar job of teaching my kids how to make a graceful entrance in a crowded room. Go me.

“Keep your tongue in your mouth. We do not lick- counters, sinks, mirrors, walls, grocery cart handles, checkstand countertops or any other smooth surfaced non-food item in the near vicinity.”

For real. I wish I was joking. I’m not.

“You may participate in screen time with the media device called “whatever is closest” under the following conditions: one- no talking. two- talking, don’t do it, three- no puedes hablar.”

The other version of this is “Mommy needs a moment.” There is plenty of educational programming out there that can replace the mommyclopedia while said superhero does one (or more) of the following: a) remain stationary in any public place for longer than five minutes, b) gets to speak in complete sentences to other adults or c) locks herself in the bathroom, throws her headphones on rocks out to some old school Hip Hop, explicit lyrics ON, thank you very much.

“The back of my seat is not a napkin. If you can’t find one just use your sleeve.”

Just kidding. Mostly. I swore I was going to have a clean car when I grew up. I did. Did. As in past tense of “do.” It was clean and shiny until, oh, say, August of 2005 and it’s been all downhill from there. You get to pick, you see, either kids eat in the car and are quiet, or, no food in the car and they never.stop.talking. I picked quiet- as evidenced by the contents of my vehicular snack containers formerly known as cup holders, space between the seats, and the floorboards.

“That was not a nice thing to say. It was super funny, grammatically correct and nicely played, but uh, not nice. Please don’t say it again, at least until I get my phone out and record you anyway.”

Well; they are my kids. Nature, nurture, everybody’s on the same team here. Destined for vocabulary of legendary proportions coupled with sarcastic prowess. I’m so screwed.

“Do I say the ‘F’ word? Um. . . do you mean often?”

Yes. Well, everything in moderation right?  Healthy balance, and shit.

“Finish your hot dog so you can eat your milkshake and fries!”

See commentary from #7, above. Ditto. And so you know, it was an organic frankfurter, those by-products were totally hormone and pesticide free. And milkshakes have milk in them. Milk has protein- hello healthy decisions. I could keep going and say they were sweet potato fries and thereby also a “good” choice but that would be a lie, so I won’t. ROB, anyone?

 “Yes, one of mommy’s tattoos does have your birthdates on it. No, you may not get one too. . . until you’re uh, a grown-up, like. . . me.”

So. Yep. That happened. Twice. #3 in the works. I’m all done with the finger pointing on that topic. All. Done.

“I know you are still in your pajamas. Just put on your shoes and get in the car.”

Whatever. I make sure they are seasonally appropriate. Plus, pajamas are technically a category of clothing. Some lessons are just better learned the hard way.

And now you know. And I know you know. Now we all know, that I know, that you know, that when it comes to #momfails, I am the champion, so like, “roar” or something.

Have a “I will never” of your own? Sharing is caring. Laughter is the best medicine. I’m running out of weak puns so just comment below if you have a confession you’re just dying to publicize. I promise to laugh with you (not at you, I don’t do that anymore, remember?).

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