RUNNING TO STAND STILL

Lately I’ve found myself focused in several different directions. Yes, that’s right.

Focused. In several different directions. . .

That’s a bit of an oxymoron right there. Fairly standard protocol around these parts.

The multiplicity of tasks demanding my simultaneous attention are increasing, and not surprisingly coinciding with the amount of sleep I’m not getting. I’m going to do something about it, I really am. But uh, after I spend some time engaged in satirical reflection and sharing said parody with ya’ll.

For your reference, laughter and to make yourself feel more human, here is:

HOW TO PROCRASTINATE LIKE A BOSS

1. Make a to-do list of top five priorities for work and personal life for the day on google drive. High five self for extraordinary organization skills.

2. Look at the to-do list and consider doing item one. Get up and make breakfast instead.

3. Sit down again. Start item one. Open up three more tabs on your internet browser “just in case.” Notice beeps, chimes and other charming alerts stemming from said tabs, spend at least ten minutes attending to those super high priorities (“a Groupon for half off wine tasting? Yes please. She posted what link? I better read that”)

4. Return to task one. Lose interest. Switch to task five. Note to self that putting the shortest task first might be a better plan.

5. Unwisely leave phone nearby. Reply to three texts. Lose thirty minutes engaging in mutual exchange of snarky remarks with friends. Crack self up. Barely escape forfeit on Words With Friends due to lack of activity. Get nothing done.

6. Finally finish task five. Ignore task one. Get up to do some laundry.

7. Take an exercise break. Return to house 90 minutes later famished, so;

8. Take a snack break. By snack I mean second breakfast. By second breakfast I mean a meal twice the size of your first breakfast and requiring the use and washing of at least three cooking items.

9. Decide you are not productive enough at home and take work to coffee shop for inspiration and motivation. Order coffee, negotiate table space with other like minded working cafe dwellers. Pop in headphones, get cozy, open up laptop and stare at screen.

10. Finally get motivated. Foot tapping to the rhythm of da beat, fingers flying across keyboard, totally in the work zone, baby. Look at the clock, realize it’s now after noon and you have to be somewhere in 10 minutes. Sigh, shut down shop and wave goodbye to your inspiration.

11. Return to operation post commitments, tiny human pick-up, obligatory snack production and support in “successful” completion of lamest educational invention of all time (elementary school homework, in case that wasn’t clear).

12. Discover real and determined energy to complete tasks. Engage in futile attempts to work from home while children are present. Make high use of the mute button on your phone during conference calls and replying to clients while said small people increase the volume and frequency of animated exchange of contrary ideas. Consider locking self in bathroom or closet, whichever gets better reception. Decide to change rule about screen time for kids during the school week instead. Get 30 minutes of total silence. Bust out three tasks at the speed of light. Do happy dance.

13. Take a two hour break to get 50 things done, including but not limited to the production and clean up of dinner as well as tomorrow’s lunches, preparing kids for the night and the next day, reading bedtime stories and other intrepid feats of time manipulation. Remark on Herculean efficiency in such short term.

14. Use that as inspiration to try to finish work once the kids have stopped vying for title of “Most Loquacious Child” and finally have fallen asleep. Review to-do items and discover that while you have actually only completed one and half tasks on the real list, you have, however, done at least 100 items that were not recorded. Consider rewriting to-do list just so you can cross something off.

15. Return to real hit list. Find progress is slow when distracted by misguided attempt to multi-task (watch tv show while writing content while grading student discussions while checking email while texting friend while reading article. . . .). At 11:00 p.m. almost fall asleep on top of keyboard. Go to bed, resolved to get more done tomorrow before the kids get home.

Repeat as needed.

procrastinate1

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