I recently recognized something in my life- I am having a love affair- and it’s starting to show. Like, all the time. Gasp.
CTFD; it’s not a man. Sheesh.
I know this really messes with your perception of an English Professor here, being so out of character and all, but competing (narrowly) with six packs, tattoos and smiles, the flutters of my heart, as it happens, are set off with words.
My name is Michelle, and I am a linguaphile.
Ah, words. Beautiful, lovely language, diction, locution, articulation, phraseology. How lucky are we humans, honestly, to have the gift of expression? So amazing. However, this is not an article about the power of words. Been there, done that; read it here, or here, or even here. This is about a particular kind of discourse, the best kind, IMNSHO, actually. Don’t know what that means? Keep reading. One more minute ‘till enlightenment.
My affection extends across a broad categorical spectrum of jargon for the most part, but I am most notably fond of profanity (only when placed strategically into well crafted grammatically complex utterances, of course), any all all things witty, snarky, or otherwise satirically sound, and the vast vernacular collection I like to call “shit I just made up, borrowed, or improved upon.”
This menagerie includes a few blended words, like “shitittude” and “framily.” But by and large, it includes quasi-words. Word wannabes. Not like graphemes, morphemes phonemes, or other dissectable linguistic fodder, I’m talking acronyms here people. Expressions that are made from the first letters of other words, you know, in the name of efficiency and good humor, and probably also, in an effort to remain in the “cool kids” club.
So, I have gotten into a habit (that I enjoy, and I’m um, kind of, sort of not inclined to end this quirky obsession) of dropping them. Like all the time. In pretty much any setting. This is rarely a problem, since I am obviously a professional comedian and everyone knows what exactly to what I’m referring when I toss one out on the table. Oh wait. Nope. Not true. Negative. None of those last few statements are accurate.
Thus, with the intention of providing a) a good laugh, b) clarification, c) the potential for understanding the cryptic messages on your child’s media device or your facebook feed (don’t even pretend you’ve have googled at least one this month), and of course d) content with which to use in jest (of me, obviously), here is:
SOS: SARCASTIC ORATION SHORTCUTS
Acronyms you hate to love
MOST LIKELY MEANS
BUT COULD ALSO INDICATE
|BRB||Be Right Back||I’m enforcing taking a phone time out but I’ll respond sometime in the nearish future.|
|CFO||Chill (the) Fuck Out||Seriously? Relax. Be quiet.Shh.|
|CTFD||Calm The Fuck Down||Calmly Try (to) Face (your) Decisions|
|DIATH–||Dammit All To Hell||I am frustrated but trying to not use the “F” word|
|DUI-Y||Driving Under (the) Influence of Yoga||I’m hungry. And sweaty. And thirsty. And tired. Wait, where am I going?|
|FOMO||Fear Of Missing Out||Everyone is doing something more fun than me right now|
|FYA||Fuck You Autocorrect||Siri!! Quit saying things I didn’t nintendo|
|IMNSHO||In My Not So Humble Opinion||I own this shit|
|ISO||In Search Of||A virtual cry for help. Or, I want something and I want to leverage my resources to get it.|
|MOTY||Mother Of The Year||I am already saving for my kids therapy bills|
|NBD||No Big Deal||Passive aggressiveness expressed in three little letters|
|NGH||Not Gonna Happen||Who are we kidding here?|
|NSFW||Not Safe For Work||Watch this somewhere where smiling is allowed and “offensive” is interpreted liberally|
|NFW||No Fucking Way||Complete Disbelief. Shocking news.|
|NSS||No Shit Sherlock||Thanks, Captain Obvious. I hope you draw your weapon faster than your conclusions.|
|NVE||Near Vomit Experience||I found my “edge,” probably while working out…|
|PITA||Pain In The Ass||Time and energy sucker|
|ROB||Rationalizing Own Bullshit||Making excuses sound like legit explanations|
|RT||Real Talk||No bullshitting. #truestory|
|SAAM||Swing And A Miss||That was clearly a) out of your scope, b) over your head, c) played to the wrong crowd, or, possibly, d)poorly executed|
|TIA||Thanks In Advance||Please excuse the lack of manners about to happen and/or my request for your time and energy in solving my problems. I’m warning you, in advance, so no fair getting offended.|
|TWD||Total World Domination||It’s go time. Optimization starts now.|
|WOD||Workout Of (the) Day||Willing Opportunity (for) Death.|
|WTF||What The Fuck||a) I refuse to take accountability for the current reality b) I am confused, c) I don’t know how else to respond to your ridiculous story, d) I am in shock, e) she’s wearing what?, f) he said that?, g) what just happened? or h) I’m cranky. Don’t talk to me.|
|YP||Your Problem||As in, not mine. Deal with your own shitstorm.|
That’s the list, for now. Have a good one you’d like to add? Shoot it to me, comment below or start a viral thread of shares, I mean, um, tweet it or something.
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