FOLLOW MY FEET

Atlas. Today I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on me.

And, at the same time, I feel as light as a feather, a happy as a lark, as cheery as a fucking rainbow.

Sigh.

Oxymorons. Yep. That’s kind of my thing. I’m a walking contradiction of terms, day in, day out.

My struggle? Shit keeps changing. Fast. Often. Constantly. Remember that whole leaning and life is like a top conversation? Yeah, well, the angular progression of my point of view is shifting, back and forth, at a dizzying level. I can’t make up my damn mind about anything. And I know better.

I KNOW better, and I’m not doing better.

I feel like a kid on “The Gravitron” ride, pinned to the wall by the gravitational pull, the centrifugal force holding me motionless as I spin around, and around, and around. Watching, but not acting. Frozen.

I’m stuck again, at the point where I get to decide- should I continue pursuing my entrepreneurial dream, or take the safe route?  Go back to “normal,” “routine,” “predictable” and all those other profane expressions that describe the life of a regular employee, or stay the course I’ve set out?

Paralysis by analysis.

In the meantime, the world keeps spinning, right along with me.

I know what I want. I know what my heart says. “Stay focused. Breathe. Keep making forward momentum, it’s all going to come together. Stay in the fire a little bit longer. Every shadow is cast by light; hold steady for the light. It’s coming. Trust the universe.”

But, my logical brain, the one that is exhausted and cognizant of the limited amount of resources available says- “enough of this change shit. Go get comfortable doing the thing that makes you regular income in a familiar space. There’s enough crazy in your life dear, choose one stable thing. Just one.”

I can’t decide- are the opportunities that keep presenting themselves actually an opportunity, or a test of my commitment? Is the universe offering me what I’m asking for, so I can go do the things I love to do, or is it simply throwing another shiny object in my path?

I suppose it all depends on my view.

The very best part of it all, is that no matter what I decide, I know I will be happy; how awesome is that?

I now have the tools to be happy within me, no longer seeking them in the intangible. I get to move forward as my authentic self, no matter my “title.”

Teacher, student, writer, yogi, consultant, trainer, facilitator, manager, pick one. Hell, pick all of them (which is the current, and ridiculous, option). It really doesn’t matter;

work does not define me, I define my work.

The words I use to frame and shape my career will change how I see it, and the world. My thoughts. My habits. My attitude. Those create my perception of reality.

Wherever my feet do go, joy will follow. I can love what I do, no matter what it is. I can love who I am, no matter what I do. I can be in love with my life, regardless of the situation.

Those things I know. For sure. For really and for truly.

I will be happy, because I chose to be.

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GRAVITY

Funny thing happened last week, I got another check in the mail.  Oh, no, not for cash. No. From reality. Again.

Thanks for that universe.

There’s a yoga axiom, “Exercise and REST are essential for human health” that’s been screaming my name for a bit. In fact when I first saw it my initial response was “see, look! Even ancient yogis knew exercise was important. Ha. Reason number 999 for why it’s “okay” for me to do what I do. . . found. Boom. Done. Fabulous.”

I sort of just ignored the second noun in the sentence, ‘cuz um, that’s not my thing.

So…. as of yesterday(ish) though, I am officially on a rest period. Yep. Me. resting.

Oh, not by choice. Hell no. Nope. Life, the universe, karma, etc… has a lovely way of reminding us of the lessons we struggle most greatly to learn.

I’m not resting because I want to, I’m resting because I have to. I have several sublaxeted ribs (I believe the current count is four, maybe five?) and they keep popping back out of place. It probably has something to do with the fact that I didn’t exactly take an intermission in activity, despite being advised to do so after the first one lost its way, but you know, it’s for sure a total mystery as to why they came out, in increasing quantities. . . two more times. . .

I didn’t stop when I should have, I ignored my conscious, I pushed too hard, and I broke, a little.

It’s nothing major right now, it’s not something I can’t recover from with care.  But, if I don’t actually take rest, it might be. As a dear friend of mine recently warned me, if I’m not careful, I’m going to become an “ex-athlete.”

But, rest? Really? Ressssssstttttt? Ugh. Yucky. No thanks.

Unless, well, my ass is parked in the sand and there’s a cocktail in my hand, then by all means, let’s rest away. Waiter, bring me another round of “stayrighthere” with a chaser of “dontmove.”

However, in the midst of life, real life, parenting, working, day to day stuff, resting is uh, not on my agenda,  not on any level.

Exercise is how I maintain my crazy life. It’s what keeps me level, keeps me going, fuels my body, mind and spirit. It’s how I hide my crazy people, and in the words of Princess Vespa, “It’s my industrial strength hair dryer, and I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT!

Really though, gulp, I am not entirely sure how to function if I can’t do my thing.

Shitballs.

Perhaps though, I can see it differently. I can find a way to get comfortable with this discomfort, or at least, to experience it on a fully aware level.

Maybe this is the time to explore the second half of the axiom, the rest part. Shudder.

Possibly now is the time for all the frenetic energy, all the massive shifting happening in my life, all the decision making headaches and the positively humming vibration of my soul singing “change is coming, change is coming, change is coming” to have a place to land for a bit.

 If I don’t give myself a space to listen, what good is it to talk anyway?

I’ve been pushing it physically, but I’ve also been pushing it mentally and emotionally. Too hard. Too fast. Too much.

System.Overload.

The number of questions I have has exceeded the answers. The ambiguity has overcome the known.

I love it, and I hate it. And, I hate that I love it.

This is when amazing happens. I know that. This is when I experience more glitter bombs, more life explosions, more positive advancement. However, it’s also when mistakes can made, big ones. Ones that are difficult to repair. Like, uh, my ribs, or something.

I am starting to lose my breath, literally, and it’s time to take child’s pose. Home base. Be still. Be quiet. Observe my reality for a moment instead of spinning in it.

I can do this. I can. For real.

Damn it all, I think I might need to just meditate again.  

Coffee, you’re on the bench. Advil, suit up.

HEY THERE, YOU’RE AN ALLSTAR

Have you ever observed a spinning top? It leans one way, and then another until it slows and topples. Notice that it never simply spins in the middle, centered, perfectly balanced in all directions.

Let’s take a look at that little metaphor of life, shall we?

How many things are you doing right now? How many jobs, titles and responsibilities all fall under the label of “MINE” at present?

Can you even count them?

I can’t.

Seriously. I can’t. Mom, Yoga Teacher, Professor, Writer, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Student, Yogi, Runner, CrossFitter, Athlete, Housekeeper (a bad one), CFO (equally unskilled in this department), CEO, Amatuer Chef, Mid-level Baker, Wannabe Standup Comedian, Grown-up (shiver).

The list goes on. And on. And on.

I wonder if I can fit that all on one business card? Oh wait. I know. I CAN. There is one title that covers all of that.

I am. . . DELUSIONAL.

Ha! But really. To be honest, I cannot possibly continue to do all of that all the time at a level of satisfaction that I would prefer. I (big surprise coming here, brace yourself), like to do everything right. I like to be the best. I want to be the winner. The example. The Superstar. Wonder Woman. Yep. For sure that’s me.

Or not.

Or, I am learning, that just like a top, when I lean one direction, I am leaning away from another. If I give my time and energy to one thing, that by default, it means I am not giving it to something else.

I physically cannot lean in two directions at the same time.

That does not mean I haven’t been trying. I mean, I have a pretty decent Warrior Two pose and all but. . . Yeah. I still fall over. Often.

The solution? Change. Let go. Shift my priorities and change my expectations.

To tie it up nicely with a bow, I engage in the following:

  1. Calm
  2. The
  3. Fuck
  4. Down

For real. I mean it. Chill.

What does this really look like?  Well, like this, actually:

1. Save yourself and get out of the pool, Narcissus.

Take a big breath and cut yourself a little slack. Despite what your ego may be demanding, you are human, actually. So, you know, take of the cape, offer yourself a little grace and get comfortable with not being numero uno in every.single.category.ever. You are enough. Accept that. Stop fighting for first. The leader of the pack blocks the wind for those behind him, enjoy a little reprieve from the full gale force now and then, would you?

2. Pick teams, choose sides and then rally.

Determine your priorities, both short and long term. Be clear and limited in scope. Depth not breadth. Decrease your bandwidth. Stay in perspective. Not everything has to be done RIGHT NOW, at the speed of light and before the kids get home from school. One step at a time. The journey of 1,000 miles starts with the first step, remember? Maybe figure out what step one is, eh?

3. Set your intention.

If you don’t know where you are now it will be difficult to recognize where you’re going and how you got there.  Spend some time identifying your current reality then take a look down the path a few steps. Decide what you want. Be very very clear about how you would like your future to look and ask for it. Be specific and open to interpretation. We usually get exactly what we ask for, whether we recognize it or not, and dependent largely in part on the energy we are sending out into the universe. Be aware of your thoughts and stay positive in your intention so when that karmic boomerang comes back around you can catch it , and with open arms.

4.  Clean your (metaphorical) house.

Get organized. Get rid of clutter, both tangible and intangible. If it’s not serving you, let it go. If it can be done by someone else, let it. If you can use help, take it. If you can give it away then let it find a new home. If it doesn’t help you, or the people in your lives in growth, then drop it, no matter how hard it is.  

Less is more. I repeat. Less.Is.MORE.

5. Change your Mind(set)

If you can’t reasonably let something go at the moment, then change the way you think about it. Remember, everything is impermanent. Everything. Let work just be a means to an end and not an identity. Allow pain and fear to bring wisdom and experience. Let dealing with difficult people in your life be a lesson in patience and humanity; find the cry for love in every angry face.

“When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”

Byron Katie

My friends, be Dory- just keep swimming.