Atlas. Today I feel like Atlas, with the weight of the world on me.
And, at the same time, I feel as light as a feather, a happy as a lark, as cheery as a fucking rainbow.
Oxymorons. Yep. That’s kind of my thing. I’m a walking contradiction of terms, day in, day out.
My struggle? Shit keeps changing. Fast. Often. Constantly. Remember that whole leaning and life is like a top conversation? Yeah, well, the angular progression of my point of view is shifting, back and forth, at a dizzying level. I can’t make up my damn mind about anything. And I know better.
I KNOW better, and I’m not doing better.
I feel like a kid on “The Gravitron” ride, pinned to the wall by the gravitational pull, the centrifugal force holding me motionless as I spin around, and around, and around. Watching, but not acting. Frozen.
I’m stuck again, at the point where I get to decide- should I continue pursuing my entrepreneurial dream, or take the safe route? Go back to “normal,” “routine,” “predictable” and all those other profane expressions that describe the life of a regular employee, or stay the course I’ve set out?
Paralysis by analysis.
In the meantime, the world keeps spinning, right along with me.
I know what I want. I know what my heart says. “Stay focused. Breathe. Keep making forward momentum, it’s all going to come together. Stay in the fire a little bit longer. Every shadow is cast by light; hold steady for the light. It’s coming. Trust the universe.”
But, my logical brain, the one that is exhausted and cognizant of the limited amount of resources available says- “enough of this change shit. Go get comfortable doing the thing that makes you regular income in a familiar space. There’s enough crazy in your life dear, choose one stable thing. Just one.”
I can’t decide- are the opportunities that keep presenting themselves actually an opportunity, or a test of my commitment? Is the universe offering me what I’m asking for, so I can go do the things I love to do, or is it simply throwing another shiny object in my path?
I suppose it all depends on my view.
The very best part of it all, is that no matter what I decide, I know I will be happy; how awesome is that?
I now have the tools to be happy within me, no longer seeking them in the intangible. I get to move forward as my authentic self, no matter my “title.”
Teacher, student, writer, yogi, consultant, trainer, facilitator, manager, pick one. Hell, pick all of them (which is the current, and ridiculous, option). It really doesn’t matter;
work does not define me, I define my work.
The words I use to frame and shape my career will change how I see it, and the world. My thoughts. My habits. My attitude. Those create my perception of reality.
Wherever my feet do go, joy will follow. I can love what I do, no matter what it is. I can love who I am, no matter what I do. I can be in love with my life, regardless of the situation.
Those things I know. For sure. For really and for truly.
I will be happy, because I chose to be.