GUTS OVER FEAR

So, I have  confession to make. Gulp.

I’m not actually always that good at letting shit go.

Like, um, I am. . . but . . . I’m also . . . not.

I’m good at letting SOME things go. I’m good at not letting MOST things bother me. I can release hurt, anger, pain, frustration, and other things that have otherwise provided me a disservice and let them float away from me. Usually.

I’ve gotten really efficient at reframing. I am a Master Bullshitter. Kidding, but not, but kidding. I can shift perspectives faster than a policitican in November. Life is a lot of how I choose see it, and I choose positive at least 90% of the time; it’s just how I’m wired.

I have the Four Agreements pretty dialed in, too, like I’m really working on practicing what I’m preaching here.  I have shifted the way I think. Developed new habits, attitudes and gotten really really clear about my beliefs.

I am open. Receptive. Willing. Making major progress.

Big. Huge. Whole new person. Hell, whole new world.

But, you know, some things just really die hard. Sometimes, old patterns come out to play, sans invitation and certainly without an rsvp. So inconvenient.

The things we struggle with in our deeper selves tend to be the things with which we will wrestle  for a lifetime. They don’t go away, we just get better at managing them. We peel back layers, we understand them better, we learn to respond differently. But, then they manifest in new ways, hopefully better, but often, they just show up in a new package.

Same shit. Different day.

Oh. Boy.

For me, it’s usually, uh, errrrr. . . wellll . . .  ummmm . . . Control. Or planning. Wait, no, it’s overdoing it.

Um. Right. Okay. So it’s really, “controlled chaos.” Yes, better. Perfect, actually.

Speaking of (chaos, that is, and my attempts to rein in that crazy), some things, I just.won’t.drop. Some decisions, I neglect to stop analyzing. Some questions, I demand answers. Some things, I refuse to allow to simply be as they are. Some ambiguity, I slap a label on and stuff into a box, lid closed tight for fear of the fog of its uncertainty clouding my path once more.

Why? Well, usually because:

  1. I don’t feel like getting over it, moving on, or changing. I just don’t. End of story.
  2. I am avoiding dealing with what will happen if I do. I’m actively choosing not to offload something because of what else might shift in my life. I know these demons well, and I don’t want to make new aquaintances. Courage is required here, and my intestinal biceps are taking a rest day.
  3. I’m not ready to learn the lesson, and I know it. It requires more experience, more time, energy, or grounding that I just plain don’t have in me at the moment. And besides, I don’t like to learn things the first time, I like to fuck it up six or seven times, just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.
  4. I am (naively) hoping something will change, magically resolve itself, or otherwise get FIXED before I get to deal with it.
  5. I’m a human being.

All reasonable excuses, right? Nothing too particularly novel there.

Yes, I said excuses. Because that’s what they are.

I can call them explanations. They could be rationalizations. Logistical probabilities. Reasons.

Guilt-removing nomenclature.

My ability to articulate reality using words of varying degrees of impact on my perception is of little consequence in this case, actually.

It doesn’t really matter what they are called, but rather, that they exist. And, by acknowledging their existance, I can: a) offer myself some grace, and b) FIX IT!  Kind of.

When you know better, you do better (theoretically speaking anyway). Well, if now I know, then, um, it’s time to do.

So.

Big breath.

I’m working on it this month. This, following set of weeks where I’ve been on a roller coaster ride of vehement sensibilities that has been so turbulent I have fucking motion sickness.

All that spinning. All that thinking. All that pulling. All those things, all at the same time, more than I can possibly hold in my own two arms, with just this one heart, in just this one body, with only this one mind.

I am about to emotionally combust, and I’m glad.

Why? I mean, like I really have fucking time for another fucking meltdown right now? FOR REAL?

Yep. Nope. But, uh, yep.

Because, you see, it means I am almost there. I’m just about ready to let go of those last few things. I’m prepared to shed another layer.

Sometimes I have to be pushed to the edge before I will fall; I don’t always just jump.

But now, honey, get your parachute ready, it’s breakthrough time.

Now, the rubber meets the road. Now, I get to put all that I’ve learned to the test. Now, I get to break open just enough to let some good, juicy, chakra opening, honest-to-goodness soul satisfying sustainable sunshine in my heart.

All I have to do is exhale.

Ready to witness this release? Get comfy, it’s happening, right after this commercial break.

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