“You like living in chaos,” I was informed recently.

“I do not!” I replied immediately (and indignantly).” I like routines and structure. For some things. Sometimes. For a few parts of my life. Well hmmm.”

“I just like flexibility and the ability to be spontaneous. And change. I really like change. I don’t like predictability. Usually. Well sometimes I do. I just like space, and freedom and choice and doing what I want to do when I want to do it and with the people I want there.”

That’s not chaos. That’s being alive. Okay fine. Maybe it’s also chaos. Controlled(ish) chaos though.”

End scene.

Okay, so let’s look at that conversation, because how you do anything is how you do everything, right? Let’s consider where that shows up in my, uh, life.

Up first, oxymorons, anyone?

Walking contradictions. I am a living breathing opposition of terms. I like to be chill, but I can’t stop moving. I’ve calmed (the fuck) down but I’ve also upped my game. I like having plans, but only if I can write them in pencil. I like to know what’s next, but I love surprises more than chocolate. I cook but hate cleaning, am articulate but curse like a sailor, am strong but love feeling small, etc., etc., etc…

The takeaway- I am not defined by any one term or thing, nor do I want to be. I am willing and adaptable.

I’m a yes.
To all of it.

Second point- see above. That can be problematic, often.

In saying yes to possibility, I have created a bit of. . . dynamic motion.

I’m happy and positively in love with my life now. For real. I am thriving in the energy in which I’ve surrounded myself.  I recognize that it’s taken a lot of work to get here, like a whole lot.

However, I’m coming to terms with the fact that by running so far from a life ruled by the misperception of safety in categories I ended up standing in my own special kind of volcanic residue.

I might have gone a bit far out of bounds.


But then again, I like pushing my limits.


Which brings me to my third reflection- the rationalization of my own bullshit.

I’m like the Queen of explaining myself, evidently, even though I’ve made a lot of progress in that department (I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true). My verbose response makes allows one to draw the inference that rather than having learned the lesson of “less is more,” I’m uh, still working on the application of that concept in the real world (like in this paragraph. . .where I’m using a whole lot of words to say- I talk a lot).

So (as it is always so), just like in my daily life where I have a strong tendency to overdo it that’s pretty much exactly how I communicate.


I’m not apologizing for that. I’m not criticising myself for it either. Just observing.

So, in sum,

  1. I’m a yes.

  2. I like living outside of my comfort zone.

  3. I go big.

The end.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

C.G. Jung

*Sidenote- I’m finding my summary rather ironic in size and message. 

*Sidenote to the sidenote – there I go again with the talking. 

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One thought on “SONGS OF CHAOS (I LIKE IT).

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