The last two weeks I’ve experienced a concerning amount (for me) of self doubt. Second guessing. Re-considering. Feeling. . . slightly inadequate.
I haven’t felt like this all the time, just for moments in between all the awesome that continues to happen all around, within (and in spite of?) me. But also, more than just an ego check kind of doubt. The kind that say, creeps into your head at night, turns into nightmares and wakes you up in a cold sweat.
Yeah. That kind.
I’ve been sitting in this, trying to figure out exactly what that’s about, why it’s happening, and how to work through it.
Wednesday night, just before our big Girls on the Grid post came out, I finally identified a few things, right around the same time my belly started aching, again.
It’s my lower three chakras, and they’re a little. . . fucked right now. Especially the third one.
And I know why. I won’t get (way) into the details, but the short version is- I feel financially unstable and overtaxed (literally), my relationship with my mother is 50 shades of dysfunctional, and, once again, I allowed myself to get involved with a man who wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Yes. Again. I know.
Sometimes I’m a stubborn learner.
So, what to do?
Meditate. Yoga. Breathe.
Try very hard not to get so fixated on the problem by locking myself into a plan for reparation, and instead, open myself up to the possibility of solutions.
So, you know, per usual,
I feel financially trapped because I took on too much of what I don’t want to do so I could fund what I do want to do and I’m responding by preparing to jump ship without a reliable form of life support. Um. Again.
Perhaps I can just let go of the attachment to that perception of obligitory vocation, and just let it be, no labels. No strings. No anchors. Just a means to an end. Or, maybe it’s just time to completly walk away, shut the door, and not reopen it.
My relationship with my mother won’t improve unless I release my anger and do the work. What “the work” is, I actually don’t know. I just know it’s time to do it. Good thing I’ve got 230 hours of Yoga Teacher Training just around the corner to work that shit out. I’m hoarding tissue boxes in preparation already.
And the man? Well. Here’s what I’ve learned— compromise isn’t the same as settling. Knowing who I am, how I give and receive love, and the difference between being with someone who helps me to be the best version of myself and someone isn’t ready or willing to be that man isn’t just ideal, it’s essential. I’ll wait for it, because I value myself and others enough.
And there we have it. I VALUE myself ENOUGH.
ENOUGH. Me. I am enough.
I am whole and complete as I am.
So are you. All of you.
So no more. No, no, no more self doubt. Just love.
Be love, give love, receive love.
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