CORE

So last Monday, a week ago, I had surgery to repair an umbilical hernia I’ve been ignoring for the last eight years. Per usual, I thought it would be no big deal. 60 minute surgery, home before noon, likely working again by 1pm.

Only, to no one’s surprise but mine, that’s not exactly how it went down. I was in pain and disoriented for a the better part of last week, and an emotional jack-in-the-box through… well, even today.

It was so much more than I’d bargained for, losing the ability to move from my core.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sit up without support. I couldn’t reach for things. I couldn’t hug my kids close to me. I couldn’t eat normally and I couldn’t exercise, not even to take  a simple child’s pose. I couldn’t even wear my regular clothes because of the swelling.

Nothing was normal. Nothing worked like I was accustomed to it working.  Nothing felt . . . certain.  

Old stories crept in. Stories of being not enough, not doing enough, being too much of something, or too little of another, or just simply — wrong. I felt completely powerless.

Just like in life. Exactly like in life. When we don’t move from our core, we cannot stand in as we are.

Our power is diminished without an engaged core; you’ve got to be plugged in before you can shine.

This timing is no coincidence. I’ve spent three years working especially into, through, and from my core, and I can identify the times and causes of things I’ve done that weren’t from my center. Things I avoided dealing with, which took me off my financial center, which undercut my strength, which impacted how I showed up in my world. Things I did even when I knew they weren’t a fit, times I tried to be someone I wasn’t, or when I pushed myself so far out of my comfort zone I could barely find my way back in.

There’s a lot of procrastination involved in there. Settling. Passively waiting. Futurecasting. Dissatisfaction with the present. Unmet expectations resulting in scattered body, mind, and spirit.

“I’ll do it when.”

But there is no when. There is now.

And right now? I can’t run, I can’t hold navasana, I can’t backbend.  I can’t take a week long vacation on beach with my family and I can’t get that new car, yet.

But right now? I can weekend warrior day trip to the beach, and I can accompany my husband on his work trips when it works for the family, and I can stretch my legs, and do yin yoga, and walk that block like a boss.

It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be from my core, from my strength, in line with my values and work.

When I’m out of alignment everything knocks me off my path. But when I’m locked in, when I’m engaged and aware and focused, I’m un-fuckable-with.

I choose the latter. I choose to come back to center, in whatever state it’s in. Messy, healing, growing, changing, imperfect. No waiting until things get better. Starting where I am right now, in this place, with this body, with these people, to do these things. 

I choose core. I choose True North. I choose me.

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