THE SOUND OF SILENCE

I want to talk to you about this time I felt stuck. Really stuck. Really down. Really not myself.

Depressed. I would actually classify this thing that happened, that I’m coming out of, as depressed. And that is scary as fuck.

I have lots of reasons why it might have happened. Significant health issues, insomnia, injuries and work limiting access my practice, financial hell, not teaching anymore, not sharing yoga the way I love to share it. The things that I identify myself with, the things that help make me, be me, were not secure.

And even though I am wrapped in love. And even though I have so many things to be grateful for, and even though I am never, ever, ever standing anywhere, at anytime, alone, I felt removed. Not having all my things in place all ultimately resulted in me not showing up powerfully for myself, or for anyone else.

Outside of the things that I do — who am I?

I spent three years in inquiry, three years exploring, three years doing the work and building heat by throwing every available stick in the fire, and then suddenly, I just sat down and stared at the flames. What did I build? Why did I build it? Who is it for? How do I keep it going?

What the fuck do I do now?

Nothing. I did nothing, really. Just business as usual, except, a little bit duller. And it felt so . . . wrong to feel that way,  because so much of everything else was so exactly perfectly right. Like I wasn’t allowed to be sad because of X, Y, and Z. Like I was too old, and too smart, and too qualified, and too fucking lucky to be this weak.

But I still was, weak.

I went on a personal retreat from the me I’ve come to know, and as I come to, I’m gaining some perspective, and some softness, and some empathy, and I want you to know—

It’s all right. I’m all right.  Being sad. Being lost. Figuring it out? It’s all right. You don’t have to keep it together every second of every day —

Falling apart is real.

If you are always in the light, and never in the shadows, how can you see where you’re getting in your own way? How can you appreciate good, if you don’t know what not-good feels like? How can you offer kindness to someone else who is low, if you are always high? How do you know yourself fully, if you are unwilling to look in the mirror?

Checks and balances. Reciprocity. Energy. The law of attraction. PHYSICS, people. Physics.

And from here? From here I build a new fire. One with a more stable base, a sustainable flame, and a purposeful heat.

 

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