WANDER

They say when you find the right one you just know. They say things will just match up, that your heart and your head and your gut will all be saying the same thing. They say you won’t doubt it, or yourself.

They say that when you find the one, you’ll suddenly realize why all those that came before it didn’t work out. They say because when you find the right fit, it just, works, no forcing, no compromising, no negotiation. Existence without resistance.

That’s true for love anyway, in my experience. That’s exactly how it worked for me. But what if “it” is a job? What if “it” is a purpose? What if “it” is the thing that you make your life’s work?

Right. About that. . .

Here I am 35, three or ten career changes past the one I picked when I was six years old, and I still don’t know what the fuck I want to be when I grow up. I mean I do, kinda, but I’m totally not doing it, yet.

I’ve been a teacher, grades kindergarten all the way through college. I’ve been a school administrator, an entrepreneur, a freelance writer and consultant, a business partner, a yoga teacher, a marketer and a sales manager. I’ve run social media, managed Public Relations, volunteered on boards, committees, projects and initiatives. I’ve single parented and I’ve co-parented.  I’ve fundraised, I’ve organized, I’ve traveled, I’ve stayed. I’ve had more income than I had bills to pay, and I’ve had quite the opposite. I’ve had as few as one job at a time and as many as five. All this, and I’m still five years out from 40.

So how could I not know by now, right? I mean, it’s been a hot minute since I graduated from college, and based on the sheer length of the previous paragraph you can tell I’m a bit, um, seasoned.

Bottom line: I’ve played a few rounds of Career Blackjack. And you know what I keep drawing?

The #NopeCard.

Like, again, and again, and again. Not this. Or that. Also not this. I’m still looking for the one. THE one. The thing that will make all the other things make sense. The thing that’s gonna grab my wandering feet by the ankles and say —

 

Sit your ass down.

 

It’s gonna happen. I can feel it.

Maybe it will be the thing that lets me put my time and energy into my passion projects because it’s so fun, and so rewarding, and so creative, that at the end of the day I still have more to give, and so I do.

Maybe it will be a passion project that becomes a job. Maybe I’ll finally build something, write something, say something, and do a thing that sticks, and that matters. Maybe I’ll stop letting the fear of not having a paycheck man my control station. And at the same time, maybe I’ll stop letting my stubborn desire to do something epic win the fight with logic using stalling tactics.

Maybe this time I’ll build the right house, on the right location, with the right tools, and for the right reasons, and the house will stand and I will still want to live in it. Or maybe I won’t.

There are a million ways I can figure “it” out, books, tools, coaches, online learning, more experiences. . . And while I do that, my big question isn’t actually what, it’s

WHY?

I’m going through my own resume, and I’m looking for patterns, trends, and threads. It’s not about what I’ve done, but why I did it. What was the desired impact, result, or rationale? Did it work? Why?

If I can get to the why, I can get to the what.

See where I’m going here? It’s about values more than it is about the work. So, what do I value, and why?

As I learn and reflect, again and some more, I’m choosing to respond from a centered and calm place. Strategy. The next move I make is important. I have enough data. I have enough experiences. I have enough information, and I am willing.

So I move forward, holding tightly with an open hand. And you know what? I can’t fucking wait.

 

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